Intensity

Intensity is a behavioural trait that I have had for a very long time.  Underneath the intensity is a very gentle soul and a very soft squishy part of me.  The intensity is a defensive mechanism/wall that was installed I think at birth and developed over a lifetime.  It was part of the family patterning.  It was to hide the soft squishy part to protect it from any onslaught of judgment, breaking down, and hurt.  But intensity was a way to be quick witted when I had a judgment that I wasn’t very smart.  It was a way to try to outwit another person.  To be unkind when I was responding to unkindness.  To get my licks in to self protect and give what was given. It was a way of survival and a way that I didn’t know any better.

Intensity comes in many forms.  It is a sharp tongue, it is a quick and forceful way of approaching situations, its a harsh way of getting to the bottom of problems, it is being overly focused on rooting out or looking for the negative, it is far from equanimity.  It is brow furrowing, standing in front of my centre, hands on hips, looking for the defensive way of being ready for a response and to be on guard.  It is a way of being that I was so used to that it was even hard to describe what it was like to be intense.  It was just an imbalance that felt normal, natural and acceptable.  Until I was told over and over and over, it wasn’t.  Intensity can also show up as a mental “knowing” or think you have a definite knowing but really it’s a mind righteousness. It may show up as opinions or judgments.

Sometimes it is like not being able to see the forest for the trees scenario.  It was just a trait that I didn’t actually think could change.  But I know that with God all things are possible.  Intensity doesn’t have to be a trait that we carry because we can be in an intense world or in intense situations.  Have you ever heard that you can catch bees with honey.  Well…..when you can let go of the intensity observe the facial expressions and thought forms of intensity, you can pray for the softness and gentleness and trust that it is protection in itself.  It may be hard to believe but the fact of the matter is, we need more gentleness in our lives and I have been in intense situations and when I pray in the moment, I am surely guided through those intense situations.  I only have to think about my spiritual awakening to know this is true and it happens all the time.  The practice is to get better at being in connection when an intense situation arises so that we can be transformed in the moment.  To let go to our authenticity and our connection to God is the grace that transforms intensity to gentleness.  It is something that can only be experienced with God at the helm and our willingness to be humble and soft.

Emotionally it turns up as greed, jealousy, envy, anger, resentment, defensiveness, hatred, judgment, basically all the lower vibrational emotions including and most of all fear. In the emotion of intensity, if it is an emotion, there is an edge to it. You are sitting in front of your body and waiting for the ax to fall, the pin to drop, the comment to land, you are waiting for the worst to happen. It is a misguided protection. It is the protection of self through words and thoughts that are not congruent with the soul. They are actually misplaced in that we are not seeing the humanity in each and every person (including ourselves), we are protecting our wounds with more wounding. The bravery shows up when we can see other people’s wounding as theirs and have compassion in the moment. To not take it personally and change them through your love and compassion. Honestly, I never thought that I could get there, but I am there. I can actually get to a place that holds me in grace while with other people and their wounding because I now can see myself in them.

When I look and think about being human, our equality, the humility. and that we are just little specks on this earth in the grand scheme of life, I can be in grace and have grace in every moment of my life, only then can we have a better life.  Not only are we creating more love but we are creating great karma for ourselves and we will always be purposeful to contributing good to the greater good.

So if you experience intensity in yourself, it’s okay, keep praying for grace, acknowledge those parts of you that are ready for change and allow yourself to see your little dark parts that need love and grace.  This is how we love ourselves.  This is how we accept our humanity.  This is how we humble up.  This is how we can relate to one another with more compassion and more understanding and more listening.  Give your intensity a break, ask God for grace and love yourself even when you are judging yourself (and notice that too).

I pray that we all notice our intensity and give it a break today as we fall back into our grace that never leaves us.  If all else fails or you need an alternative, get out in nature and nurture yourself.  Surely you will find grace and less intensity if you are in nature.  That is the nature of nature.

With an abundance of grace,

Jackie