Finding Your Voice
The only way that I can be of service in this world is sharing my experience and trust that I can make a difference in this world, as God has intended for me.
It isn’t easy. When you are working through trauma of the human kind it can be cultural, ancestral, sexual orientation, how you identify, have I missed anything? But what I can share is my experience as a white, European decent, woman, 57ish, midlifer, I would say that from my experience, speaking your truth, or just learning to speak your truth and trust yourself, it can be scary. I want to say especially at this age, obviously there is some ageism that I am still working through, is that finding the words to express yourself, express your feelings and express your truth, it is a process and one well worth working through.
Today I was having a day of processing and I was passively allowing myself to rest and my body to recover. I walked out to the field and cleared myself of the heavy day. It was intuitive to go out and get fresh air before bed and to reset for a nice sleep. But I was followed by Bilbo, the Healer and he wanted to connect. Now I am working on my reluctance to connect and I waited, and asked permission and then waited some more and what came up was BIG.
Today I fed the horses well beyond what they usually had. I was in a space of letting go of control of their feed. I see how I put alot of energy around feeding time for me, the horses, the dogs, and my husband. Sorry dear, not always in that order…lol. I see the energy that I expend trying to feel into what’s right for everyone including myself. But today I looked at Bilbo and I heard FAT. I was like, wow…I finally see the judgment of FAT. This is an inwards looking of how I feel about myself, which is reflected in everyone around me. It is such a programming in our society, in the horse world and being a woman. It isn’t serving anyone of us. I did my EFT tapping for myself, the horses, to release this energy around the fear of being FAT. The horses were showing me that I am feeding them lots and they are getting fat. I was manifesting exactly what I was thinking. WOW….How to let this go. I can see this is a process and I will have to work at this, but I now know that the horses are always mirroring to me and sharing their experience with me. I am so grateful for them and Bilbo. Bilbo is a Fjord cross, as if he is meant to be lean anyways but I know he could be at a healthier weight and I am sure he wants to because he is always trying to connect with me. He is showing me to let go, let go and let go. I know they have their own internal wisdom and their own systems to get them to their ideal body weight. I just wasn’t ready until now to see that it is time for me to let this go. Let go of the worry, let go of the amounts, let go and if there is a lack of activity within them and us, then we need to have a communication around it. No big deal.
So tonight I vowed to move into a more respectful relationship with the horses, dogs and my own body and all of our emotional needs so that we can have a healthy relationship with food, each other and how we are. I let go of the word FAT. I can finally see how my emotional eating was affecting the horses and how they were eating. It seems so obvious to me now but at the time, all I could do was worry. This is definitely an ingrained process that will take time for me to unwind, but thank you to the horses that have helped me find my voice, see my thoughts, and let go of the stress, anxiety and energy that is food. Today I vow to change the pattern of emotional eating and caring for my emotions in a new way.
One of the ways to hold myself accountable is to share this in the ethers and let it be the ending of something old and to start something new. Thank you Bilbo for helping me express my purpose, be more respectful in our relationship, and to help others do the same in theirs. I vow to you to let go of the word and judgment of FAT and to work through my concerns with you.
It is with great gratitude and reverence that I have received and share. I feel the energy shifting now. Thank you.
Jackie