Resistance Fighter
I was a Resistance Fighter….
My resistance was epic. It was so epic that I fought against my resistance. I spewed out onto other people, I fought every person, I judged every person, it was a like banging up against a brick wall over and over and over. I used everything in my arsenal to fight my resistance. It was exhausting.
It was actually the internal fight within myself to align with myself. Now that I am sitting in a clearer space, I now see what caused the resistance and it was a belief that I didn’t even know about. It was subconscious.
I was once in a training and the woman that was holding the space was pushing me to my limits and I was triggered by every possible button in me. She was holding a space for me to act out my pain, be the darkest version of myself, challenge her integrity, question her beliefs, judge her endlessly and test her boundaries. These are the very tactics that I used to resist and fight. So while I was resisting and fighting externally, internally I wasn’t aligned with my truest self. But I had to feel it, to notice it, to go through it, to acknowledge it and recognize how it felt. It was such a “normal” feeling that I didn’t realize that it was black and stealthy.
So now that I have travelled to the other side, how do I not go into guilt? How do I change my behavior? How do I appreciate and see the blessing in it all? More internal work…..
Just yesterday I was contemplating the perfectionist tendency within me. I want this all to go smooth. I want it always loving, kind and gentle. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be hurt. But that also brought me into, “What is pain?” Honestly, maybe I was meant to go through my spiritual process in this “ugly” way so that I can help others that also are resistance fighters. OMG, are there actually more of me? When I look at it from the 1000 foot level (a little airplane humor…resistance fighter…get it!) why wouldn’t there be others out there like me? Why do I have to judge myself so harshly? If I have a guide that is willing to go through this with me, then maybe it was part of her struggle? Who knows but what I do know is although there have been people that have turned their backs on me, there are others that know my heart and don’t see my struggle as their personal problem. They have done their work and are a catalyst for change. Those are the empowered women that I want to work with. The ones that allow us the space to explore our own truth even if it is for the 1st or 50th time no matter how it looks.
In honour of those women that have helped me, I want to thank them for their strength, courage, ability to hold space for me, conviction, boundaries, beliefs, respect, love and most of all for showing me what an empowered woman looks like. Thank you for helping me turn myself into a more empowered woman. Thank you for leading by example. Thank you for seeing me through my pain. Thank you for showing me how to not take it on. Thank you for holding me in a place of my greatness while you held your own greatness. Thank you for lifting me up. Thank you for you. God Bless you.
If this has reached you and you are a resistance fighter. Don’t give up! You will be guided by your higher self gently to that earthly angel that sees the love in you and won’t give up on you. And remember, you are not alone, you are made in God’s image, and there is nothing wrong with your process…..it’s just your perception or judgment of it. Ease up on yourself, cut yourself slack, go back and forgive yourself and everyone else and move through it. But know most of all that God/Source/Universe puts you where you need to be to learn the lessons you were meant to learn. Just trust the best that you can in the moment, because after it all, you will see why it happened the way it happened afterwards. It’s just a deeper way of getting to know thyself and there is nothing wrong with you.
Jackie Gutknecht